Our Experience With Outpatient Surgery With a Three Year Old

This little person is my everything. She is the reason I became who I am. She is my mothering-inspiration. My first baby. You know her as Squirrel Monkey. She's amazing. But for some reason, God decided to give this little person a BIG personality... and some gigantic tonsils.

Ever since she was a newborn she has had trouble breathing because of her tonsils and adenoids. Part of the reason why I started sleeping with her (co-sleeping) was because I was so afraid she'd stop breathing sometime when I wasn't there to touch her, rouse her, and start her back up again. No one knew how bad it was until they saw firsthand and then they were freaked out by this tiny body snoring so loudly. She rivaled Hammy, our bulldog! So we've been talking for at least a year with her doctor about getting them removed and finally we found an ENT who was in our network who does T & A's (Tonsillectomy & Adenoidectomy) on 3 year olds! Whew! He was still 3.5 hours drive away from us, but we knew it would be worth the drive.

On Tuesday we drove to Helena after Gorillaman got off work. The girls were pretty good for the drive. Squirrel Monkey was really excited to stay in the hotel, and since we had been preparing her for this for about a month (telling her what to expect, what she would feel like after, how the surgery would help her, etc.) she was excited to get her tonsils out. Every now and then she would tell me, "I want my snorin' gone!"

The next morning we got up early. Squirrel Monkey wanted to eat but she wasn't allowed to so we distracted her. We got checked in at the hospital at 7:30 but then had to wait (more distracting... read iPhone games, Dora,  and glove balloons!) until 9:30. I was under the impression that I would be allowed to go with her to get the gas so that I would be there as she fell asleep. At the last minute the nurse said, "Oh, they didn't tell you that you couldn't come back here?" Um. no. They didn't. I bit back my tears and told my brave little girl that the nurse would take care of her and I would see her in no time. She hugged me and got wheeled off in a too-big bed, without even looking back - her next adventure. I cried.

Gorillaman, with Owl Monkey in the Mei Tai (Happy International Babywearing Week! Men wearing their babies... so sexy! Anyway...) and I went back to the waiting room. Then I decided I couldn't sit still, so we walked down to the cafeteria and got a drink and came back up to wait again. 20 minutes later we got a phone call from the doctor. She was done! The surgery took 15 minutes. Amazing.

He said we would probably get to see her in 30-45 minutes! What?! I wanted to hold my baby! I went to the nurse, apologized for being so aggravating (she said I wasn't, but what worried mom isn't a little frustrating to a busy nurse, right?), and told her, knowing my child, that she would be better off if I could be there as soon as possible. She said she'd tell the recovery nurses to come get me as soon as they could. Back to waiting.

Finally a nurse came to get me and we went up to the 4th floor to where Squirrel Monkey was coming out of anesthesia. On the way up the nurse said she did well and that she hadn't heard her cry yet, but when I walked into the room she was thrashing around on the bed a bit and starting to cry. I picked her up and held her close and she pointed into her mouth a few times. I just said, "I know, your throat hurts doesn't it? I know, mommy's here." The nurse was great. She got her some pain medicine and put it in her IV and within moments she was calming down and settling in to snuggle. She helped me untangle from all the cords, IV and blankets, got me a chair, and helped me settle in with Squirrel Monkey. Then she talked with me about how great it is that I stay home with my kids. She shared with me that she only worked part time when her kids were little so that she could be home with them as much as possible. She was really impressed with Squirrel Monkey. :) Proud mama moment #1.

In a little while we had to go to Squirrel Monkey's recovery room in pediatrics. I carried her. Once we were settled in on the bed I started feeling better. She snoozed on me for about an hour, complying when I asked her if she could take a drink of water. Nodding when I said, "Are you doing ok?" When she finally woke all the way up she ate some jell-o, then some pudding, drank some apple juice, then she ate her obligatory ice cream! Chocolate of course. A few hours later, when it was time to leave, she was wheeled out of the hospital in a very special wagon. She said she felt like a princess. The peds nurse was super. She was so sweet and comforting. She told us a number of times how great Squirrel Monkey was doing. We heard horror stories along the way from both this nurse and the woman at the front desk at our hotel how their kids had cried and screamed for hours after their tonsillectomies and how they couldn't be calmed down. Squirrel Monkey didn't cry or even complain after the anesthesia wore off. She's such a trooper. 

Even the anesthesiologist came in a coupe of times to check on her and told us how great she was. Apparently he was having her "start up" the gas machine and he told her, "Wow, you're doing great! Did you practice this before?" And he told us she said, "Yeah." Lol! Proud mama moment #2. :)

All the while, little sister, Owl Monkey (see why I call her that?) was waiting so patiently. She wanted to play with Sissy so badly, but Gorillaman did an amazing job of keeping her happy throughout the whole thing. Thank goodness for a helpful and understanding partner!

We're so glad it's behind us! My advice would be:

• Prepare your kid ahead of time. Talk in positive and kid-friendly, but matter-of-fact terms. They understand so much more than we give them credit for.
• Bring along whatever comforter items the child uses. We decided not to bring Squirrel Monkey's paci (we were hopeful that this would be the impetus to give it up, actually). That turned out to be a bad choice since she wanted it afterward and was a little upset that it was back at the hotel. Ellie, her soft elephant did come in handy both before and after. 
• Hold your baby! Human touch is awesome. Do whatever you have to do to get tummy-to-tummy immediately. I think this is especially comforting and healing when the child is used to this sort of care from infancy. 
• Have a supportive partner/family member nearby, but aware that the mother needs to be the primary comfort-giver as much as the child needs her comfort. I needed to hold Squirrel Monkey more than as much as she needed me to. I also made sure to give her special time with Daddy too. 
• Hear her. When Squirrel Monkey was trying to tell me her throat hurt, she was confused, under anesthesia, had numbing stuff in her throat so she couldn't talk, and was in pain. She was telling me by sign (pointing) all of that. I let her know that I could understand and that it was ok by not only my words but my tone. That is important. It calmed her.
• Don't worry! :) Yeah right...
  

The Importance of Touch

Ever since the last post I wrote about not wanting to be touched, I've been thinking about and writing this one in my head. TOUCH...

Some things that infant touch does for mothers according to this book: 

• Maintains lactation. Just by touching us, babies make sure that they have enough food and comfort at the breast. 
• Resets metabolism.
• Suspends menstruation.
• Suppresses hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) feedback. What is that? The very simple answer is that the HPA Axis causes the release of cortisol (the stress hormone). This means that mothers who touch their babies (are touched by their babies) experience lower stress, higher immune function, less inflammation, and less occurrence of mood disorders. The oxytocin that is released during mother-infant touch and nursing are part of that suppression that counteracts stress and facilitates healing. 
• Responsible for less anxiety and better mood.
• Establishes and maintains behavior and keeps mama on the offensive! Babies make you want to protect them.

So what might this mean for mothers who have to be separated from their babies? Whether it be by work, illness, or choice, those mothers will ultimately experience the opposite of these beneficial mechanisms. Breastfeeding will suffer. Pre-pregnancy weight will be harder to achieve. Periods will return early, possibly before mother's body is prepared to maintain another pregnancy. Increased or normal (non-infant touching) HPA function can mean more cortisol. Because of the increased cortisol, those mothers may experience lower immune function, more inflammation, and more postpartum depression (and other mood disorders). Physically/emotionally separated mothers will be less likely to be well bonded with the baby. 
That doesn't mean that mothers who have to be away from their children are bound by physiology to go down this slippery slope. Far from it! Knowing ahead of time, they can make adjustments to maintain physical and emotional closeness whenever mother and baby CAN be together. This isn't an either/or assumption. Sleeping together or close, babywearing whenever possible, nursing when baby is present, finding time after a long day to re-connect with your baby will do wonders to keep these healthy postpartum processes functioning correctly. It seems just holding your baby in your lap decreases anxiety (p. 147).

 The alternative would be choosing to be away from baby for extended periods, sleeping separately, having another caregiver bottle feed, and basically never touching your baby for more than a few distracted moments a day. Processes that negate the mother-baby bond will begin creeping in. And it's natural for our bodies to do that! By practicing anti-instinctive mothering (very popular in Western culture today), mothers are effectively telling their bodies and brains that their baby isn't theirs. No need to protect or feed or feel. That process starts with the separation of mother and child from birth.  It seems that there could be many fewer children being murdered by their mothers or children being neglected if mothers could see and learn more instinctive mothering. I know, I know. No one is going to kill their child if they don't babywear or co-sleep. I'm not trying to sensationalize this. I'm just saying that I wonder how many of those cases could have been avoided if the mother was securely attached to her kids, had an unmedicated and intervention-free birth, shared sleep, nursed on demand, carried her babies, mothered instinctively. I'm positive that there were other factors present. But I believe that by being physically close to our babies we can avoid a lot of physical and emotional pain down the road. 

 Do babies benefit from being touched and responded to?

Not getting enough physical or emotional stimulation causes lasting effects and  changes to the brain, poor social bonding, delayed development, and behavior problems.

Advantages to touching babies include...

• Making them less anxious
• Faster cognitive/physical development
• Faster self-recognition
• Calmer, cry less, more relaxed, and sleep better 

All of this information supports instinctive parenting. Being physically and emotionally present for our babies gives them the best possible chance to succeed in life. They are happier, healthier, and experience less mood disorders than their less touched peers. So all of this is why I make a conscious choice to have intervention-free births whenever possible, exclusively nurse (without bottles) for the first 6 months at least, nurse until age 2 or longer, wear or hold my kids as often as they want and is beneficial for me, and co-sleep until my child is emotionally and physically ready to sleep alone. And I immediately respond to my baby's cries. Truth be told, when you respond to babies, they cry less! (See #6 here.)

"Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs (italics mine), to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live."

~The Family; A Proclamation to the World

How I Became a Monkey Mama

May 2009

When I found out I was pregnant with my first baby, I knew I wanted to be a great mom. I didn't know what that meant, but I wanted to be it.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

 I knew I wanted an intervention-free birth. But everyone gets an epidural, right?! Even though I had already labored well at home to 6 cm, I asked for an epidural upon admission to the hospital and the interventions rolled (and rolled, and rolled) after. My experience horrified me. Ever since, I've advocated for medication-free birth whenever possible.

 I knew I wanted to nurse my baby. Squirrel Monkey was a champion nurser with a bad latch, but boy, was she eager! I knew then that breastfeeding was perfect for us. I had no idea I'd do it for the next 2 years. We had many, many hiccups, including almost completely weaning at 14 months due to a torn ligament in my back. But even though every other day I would tell myself I'd be stopping tomorrow, I kept going - for her.

I tried to do the "normal" thing and set up the nursery with the cutest crib and crib bedding. Little did I know, my sweet new daughter would teach me a way better and more natural way of mothering. After a few nights of going to her every time I heard a rustle, sleeping TERRIBLY,  spending hours in the office chair we kept next to her bed, waking bleary-eyed and loathing night time, I took her to bed with me and never looked back. At first, I would place her on a pillow next to me (propped up since she had some apnea issues) with my husband in the other room. I was terrified of hurting her in my sleep. Now I know that it's way safer to sleep with/near your baby. Eventually we turned our crib into a co-sleeper side-car like this. It's wonderful. I recommend it to everyone who fed into the you-need-a-crib crowd. It's way nicer to get some use out of it other than a laundry basket or catch all. Now 3 years later, she still sleeps in it, safe next to us.

I never felt right about letting her cry, so the cry-it-out argument seemed silly to me immediately. At some point we started using cloth diapers (part-time). Then we started eating healthier; more local, more whole, less I-can't-pronounce-those ingredients. Soon I was baby-wearing and avoiding the doctor as much as possible. Then, one day, I looked up. I realized that I wasn't like most of the moms I knew. I fit more with the "crunchy" crowd. And I knew my baby had changed me. We were so in sync that it all made sense. I wanted what she wanted, and what she wanted was natural. I had turned into Monkey Mama!

January 2012

Then in January, we were blessed with the arrival of our second daughter. I'm still learning! Owl Monkey is a much calmer baby. I attribute some of that to practicing from day 1 what I learned with Squirrel Monkey. Even though her birth was induced, I didn't have pain meds and demanded delayed cord-clamping. Nursing is great, minus a couple of plugged ducts along the way. We have slept in the same bed since the hospital. She never spent more than a few moments for a diaper change in that plastic box. I can count the number of times she's cried real tears on my fingers. She's happiest in the Moby Wrap or Mei Tai (ours is a hand-me-down, handmade one). Now, with Owl Monkey, I'm doing a delayed vaccination schedule since the amount of shots they give at one time scares me.

The more I learn, the more I change. Parenting requires bending. You must learn from the past, change for the future, but live in the now. I consider myself a Monkey Mama because I feel a strong kinship with the way that monkeys and apes mother their babies. They are never separated, don't feed artificial food, and mother instinctively. That's my goal.

How does all of this fit in with my faith in God and my morals, values, and standards? Well, that's what this blog is all about. As I struggle to make it all fit, I'll share it here in the hopes of inspiring other LDS (Mormon) moms, and moms of all faiths to do the same. Breastfeeding and modesty. Co-sleeping and sex. How a liberal Mormon copes in a very conservative community. I'll go there, and hopefully you'll go with me.