The Importance of Touch

Ever since the last post I wrote about not wanting to be touched, I've been thinking about and writing this one in my head. TOUCH...

Some things that infant touch does for mothers according to this book: 

• Maintains lactation. Just by touching us, babies make sure that they have enough food and comfort at the breast. 
• Resets metabolism.
• Suspends menstruation.
• Suppresses hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) feedback. What is that? The very simple answer is that the HPA Axis causes the release of cortisol (the stress hormone). This means that mothers who touch their babies (are touched by their babies) experience lower stress, higher immune function, less inflammation, and less occurrence of mood disorders. The oxytocin that is released during mother-infant touch and nursing are part of that suppression that counteracts stress and facilitates healing. 
• Responsible for less anxiety and better mood.
• Establishes and maintains behavior and keeps mama on the offensive! Babies make you want to protect them.

So what might this mean for mothers who have to be separated from their babies? Whether it be by work, illness, or choice, those mothers will ultimately experience the opposite of these beneficial mechanisms. Breastfeeding will suffer. Pre-pregnancy weight will be harder to achieve. Periods will return early, possibly before mother's body is prepared to maintain another pregnancy. Increased or normal (non-infant touching) HPA function can mean more cortisol. Because of the increased cortisol, those mothers may experience lower immune function, more inflammation, and more postpartum depression (and other mood disorders). Physically/emotionally separated mothers will be less likely to be well bonded with the baby. 
That doesn't mean that mothers who have to be away from their children are bound by physiology to go down this slippery slope. Far from it! Knowing ahead of time, they can make adjustments to maintain physical and emotional closeness whenever mother and baby CAN be together. This isn't an either/or assumption. Sleeping together or close, babywearing whenever possible, nursing when baby is present, finding time after a long day to re-connect with your baby will do wonders to keep these healthy postpartum processes functioning correctly. It seems just holding your baby in your lap decreases anxiety (p. 147).

 The alternative would be choosing to be away from baby for extended periods, sleeping separately, having another caregiver bottle feed, and basically never touching your baby for more than a few distracted moments a day. Processes that negate the mother-baby bond will begin creeping in. And it's natural for our bodies to do that! By practicing anti-instinctive mothering (very popular in Western culture today), mothers are effectively telling their bodies and brains that their baby isn't theirs. No need to protect or feed or feel. That process starts with the separation of mother and child from birth.  It seems that there could be many fewer children being murdered by their mothers or children being neglected if mothers could see and learn more instinctive mothering. I know, I know. No one is going to kill their child if they don't babywear or co-sleep. I'm not trying to sensationalize this. I'm just saying that I wonder how many of those cases could have been avoided if the mother was securely attached to her kids, had an unmedicated and intervention-free birth, shared sleep, nursed on demand, carried her babies, mothered instinctively. I'm positive that there were other factors present. But I believe that by being physically close to our babies we can avoid a lot of physical and emotional pain down the road. 

 Do babies benefit from being touched and responded to?

Not getting enough physical or emotional stimulation causes lasting effects and  changes to the brain, poor social bonding, delayed development, and behavior problems.

Advantages to touching babies include...

• Making them less anxious
• Faster cognitive/physical development
• Faster self-recognition
• Calmer, cry less, more relaxed, and sleep better 

All of this information supports instinctive parenting. Being physically and emotionally present for our babies gives them the best possible chance to succeed in life. They are happier, healthier, and experience less mood disorders than their less touched peers. So all of this is why I make a conscious choice to have intervention-free births whenever possible, exclusively nurse (without bottles) for the first 6 months at least, nurse until age 2 or longer, wear or hold my kids as often as they want and is beneficial for me, and co-sleep until my child is emotionally and physically ready to sleep alone. And I immediately respond to my baby's cries. Truth be told, when you respond to babies, they cry less! (See #6 here.)

"Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs (italics mine), to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live."

~The Family; A Proclamation to the World

How I Became a Monkey Mama

May 2009

When I found out I was pregnant with my first baby, I knew I wanted to be a great mom. I didn't know what that meant, but I wanted to be it.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

 I knew I wanted an intervention-free birth. But everyone gets an epidural, right?! Even though I had already labored well at home to 6 cm, I asked for an epidural upon admission to the hospital and the interventions rolled (and rolled, and rolled) after. My experience horrified me. Ever since, I've advocated for medication-free birth whenever possible.

 I knew I wanted to nurse my baby. Squirrel Monkey was a champion nurser with a bad latch, but boy, was she eager! I knew then that breastfeeding was perfect for us. I had no idea I'd do it for the next 2 years. We had many, many hiccups, including almost completely weaning at 14 months due to a torn ligament in my back. But even though every other day I would tell myself I'd be stopping tomorrow, I kept going - for her.

I tried to do the "normal" thing and set up the nursery with the cutest crib and crib bedding. Little did I know, my sweet new daughter would teach me a way better and more natural way of mothering. After a few nights of going to her every time I heard a rustle, sleeping TERRIBLY,  spending hours in the office chair we kept next to her bed, waking bleary-eyed and loathing night time, I took her to bed with me and never looked back. At first, I would place her on a pillow next to me (propped up since she had some apnea issues) with my husband in the other room. I was terrified of hurting her in my sleep. Now I know that it's way safer to sleep with/near your baby. Eventually we turned our crib into a co-sleeper side-car like this. It's wonderful. I recommend it to everyone who fed into the you-need-a-crib crowd. It's way nicer to get some use out of it other than a laundry basket or catch all. Now 3 years later, she still sleeps in it, safe next to us.

I never felt right about letting her cry, so the cry-it-out argument seemed silly to me immediately. At some point we started using cloth diapers (part-time). Then we started eating healthier; more local, more whole, less I-can't-pronounce-those ingredients. Soon I was baby-wearing and avoiding the doctor as much as possible. Then, one day, I looked up. I realized that I wasn't like most of the moms I knew. I fit more with the "crunchy" crowd. And I knew my baby had changed me. We were so in sync that it all made sense. I wanted what she wanted, and what she wanted was natural. I had turned into Monkey Mama!

January 2012

Then in January, we were blessed with the arrival of our second daughter. I'm still learning! Owl Monkey is a much calmer baby. I attribute some of that to practicing from day 1 what I learned with Squirrel Monkey. Even though her birth was induced, I didn't have pain meds and demanded delayed cord-clamping. Nursing is great, minus a couple of plugged ducts along the way. We have slept in the same bed since the hospital. She never spent more than a few moments for a diaper change in that plastic box. I can count the number of times she's cried real tears on my fingers. She's happiest in the Moby Wrap or Mei Tai (ours is a hand-me-down, handmade one). Now, with Owl Monkey, I'm doing a delayed vaccination schedule since the amount of shots they give at one time scares me.

The more I learn, the more I change. Parenting requires bending. You must learn from the past, change for the future, but live in the now. I consider myself a Monkey Mama because I feel a strong kinship with the way that monkeys and apes mother their babies. They are never separated, don't feed artificial food, and mother instinctively. That's my goal.

How does all of this fit in with my faith in God and my morals, values, and standards? Well, that's what this blog is all about. As I struggle to make it all fit, I'll share it here in the hopes of inspiring other LDS (Mormon) moms, and moms of all faiths to do the same. Breastfeeding and modesty. Co-sleeping and sex. How a liberal Mormon copes in a very conservative community. I'll go there, and hopefully you'll go with me.