A question on one of my favorite Facebook pages, JessicaThe Leaky Boob the other day, has had me thinking. She asked, "What do you wish people talked about?" Be it taboo or just never talked about, what would it help if people discussed it?
My immediate thought was miscarriage. Though there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of pregnancy and infant loss (PAIL) support groups out there, baby loss still seems to be a taboo topic among women. That has been my observation, anyway.
I experienced my first miscarriage in February, 2011. It was heartbreaking. We had been trying to get pregnant since my cycles returned when Squirrel Monkey turned 1. Each month my cycle came and left, and we dreaded them. Until January, we found out we were pregnant again. Though it was super early, I wanted so badly to tell people, especially those who had been on this rollercoaster with us. We even surprised my MIL with a piece of quinoa (the size of the baby) in a ring box to tell her we were finally pregnant. The next day I started bleeding. I searched the internet trying to find hope that this was normal, but it wasn't. It kept getting stronger and more painful until I was passing large clots. I finally knew I was losing my baby.
Everything I found online said "chemical pregnancy." That's the medical term for a miscarriage that happens right around when you'd normally expect your period, but you've had a positive pregnancy test. The fertilized egg has been pumping out hormones that tell your body, "Get ready, we're pregnant!" but something is wrong with either the egg or the uterus and your body does what it was meant to do and scraps the whole process. That term sterilized my feelings. I began to refer to "it" as a chemical pregnancy, instead of a baby like I had only days before, telling people that I was grieving the loss of the "baby who could have been." I refused to let myself believe that there had been a baby inside me. In doing so, I never grieved losing that baby - and I needed to.
I got pregnant with Owl Monkey a few months later. Through the miracle of hormones, you are actually more fertile in the months following a chemical pregnancy. Though I went on to have a pretty easy pregnancy, I was worried every day that something would happen and I would lose her. I feared that I wouldn't ever bond with her since I was afraid to love her while I was pregnant. When she started kicking I worried less, but that nagging feeling was always there.
Here I am now with a 5.5 month old rainbow, angel of a baby! I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for my children. If you've gone through that loss, there is hope. One day you will turn around and see that it aches a little less. I pray that everyone can have a happy ending like mine. A healthy baby to replace some of those hurt feelings. She has healed a lot of me.
I know that some people will read this and cringe because I have openly shared something that is not easily talked about. I wish that would change. I think that women need to know and hear about the whole range of normal emotions that other women have felt when dealing with the loss of a baby. It is empowering to talk about our birth experiences and I think that it is also encouraging and healing to talk about our feelings of loss.
Hopefully women can begin to feel safe sharing their experiences and working through their feelings.
Like I said earlier, there are lots of resources, especially online, for women dealing with miscarriage, baby loss, or pregnancy after loss (PAL). Here are a few links:
LDS Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Group
(Website) Little Ones Lost
(Blog) Little Ones Lost: Stories of LDS Miscarriage, Stillbirth, & Ectopic Pregnancy
I recently read a blog post on Mormon Women titled, Ask a Mormon Woman: "What are Mormon views on pregnancy, childbirth, and medical intervention?". If you don't know what LDS families believe about these topics, I think it offers some excellent insight.
I have found comfort reading the words of other women who have survived the loss of their sweet babies. This old Ensign article is one of those. And during and after my miscarriage, and subsequent issues associated with my PAL journey, I recieved a lot of comfort from the words of a friend of mine on her blog, Talk Birth. This story is especially heart breaking... she recounts the day she lost her little boy, Noah, at 14 weeks. But while I was losing my baby, it helped me to read her story and know that I too would survive. She has gone on to have an amazing little girl. And that, too, was inspiring for me, as I was worrying through my subsequent pregnancy.
We will heal. Families are forever. I don't know what God has in store for those special babies. But I do know that He can comfort us when we are struggling to make sense of our loss. <3
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